Why Kids Hit, Yell, and Throw Things And How to Help

Aggression can be one of the hardest things to experience as a parent. The yelling, the hitting, the throwing, the screaming. It can leave you feeling scared, helpless, or ashamed. You might wonder what is wrong with your child or start to question what you are doing wrong.

But aggression is not a sign that your child is bad or broken. It is a sign that your child (or you) are trying to communicate something.

When kids lash out, their bodies are sending a message. They are saying, “I can’t handle this right now.” It happens when big feelings flood small bodies and they do not yet have the tools to express what they need in a safe way.

In those moments, your child’s brain is not calm or logical. The part that helps them think clearly, problem-solve, and empathize with others has gone offline. What remains is raw emotion and survival energy. That is why reasoning, lecturing, or demanding calm rarely works. Their brain literally cannot process it.

What they need most is not punishment or control. What they need is safety.

Seeing Aggression as Communication

Aggression is your child’s way of saying, “I am overwhelmed.” It does not mean they are being disrespectful or trying to hurt you. It means their body and brain are flooded and looking for help.

Your calm voice, slower movements, and steady presence help signal to their nervous system that they are safe again. When your body stays regulated, it sends a message to theirs: “You can borrow my calm until yours returns.”

This does not mean allowing harmful behaviour. It means holding both compassion and boundaries at the same time. You might say, “I will not let you hit. You are angry, and your body wants to hit, but I am here to keep us both safe.”

Boundaries like this create safety, not control. They show your child that all feelings are okay, but actions need guidance. Emotional regulation is learned inside relationships, not through fear.

Why Regulation Starts With You

When your child hits or yells, it is normal to feel triggered. Your heart rate increases, your stomach tightens, and you might feel anger rise quickly. That is your own nervous system responding to a perceived threat.

In those moments, it helps to pause. Take a breath. Drop your shoulders. Soften your voice. It may help to remind yourself quietly, “They are not giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.”

Your regulation becomes the anchor that helps their storm settle. You do not need to be perfect. You just need to be steady enough to guide them through it.

The Importance of Repair

After the moment has passed, what matters most is repair. You can come back and help your child make sense of what happened. You might say, “You were really mad earlier and you hit me. That hurt. It is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to hurt people. Let’s find another way we can express ourself next time.”

This is not about guilt or shame. It is about giving your child understanding and language. Repair helps their brain make meaning out of the experience. It turns confusion into safety.

If you lost your own calm in the moment, you can repair that too. You might say, “I yelled earlier when you hit me. That was not okay. I was overwhelmed, and I am sorry. I love you, and we can try again together.”

Repair does not erase what happened. But it does strengthen trust. It shows your child that love does not disappear when things get hard. It shows that love always comes back.

A New Way to Understand Aggression

There was a time when one of my kids was hitting almost every day. Every transition felt explosive, and I remember feeling defeated. I wanted it to stop so badly. Over time, I realized that trying to stop the behaviour was not the answer. I needed to understand what it was telling me.

When I started asking, “What is his body trying to say?” instead of, “How do I stop this?” everything shifted. I began to see the patterns. The aggression showed up when he was tired, hungry, or felt out of control. I slowed down, offered more movement, and helped him find safer ways to release energy.

He did not need me to stop his anger. He needed me to help him feel safe while he felt it and give him healthy strategies as an outlet.

Aggression does not mean something is wrong with your child. It means their body and brain are doing their best with what they know right now. Your job is not to fix it. It is to guide it. To create safety, offer structure, and help them make sense of the world when it feels too big.

You Do Not Have to Navigate It Alone

If this feels familiar, or if you find yourself struggling to stay calm during your child’s big emotions, I created something to help.

My Anger and Healthy Aggression Guide walks you through how to understand your child’s anger, what is happening in their brain and body, and how to respond in ways that build safety and trust without shame or guilt.

It is full of practical tools you can start using right away to help both you and your child move through anger in healthy ways.

You can get your copy here.

You do not have to have all the answers. You just need to keep coming back with connection. That is where healing begins, for both of you.