Attachment isn't Perfect - It's Attuned

When most parents hear the word “attachment,” they immediately think of bonding, babywearing, or responding to cries. And yes, attachment can look like all those things—but at its core, attachment is about how we respond to our children's emotional needs, especially when they’re vulnerable.

It’s not a fixed trait or a single moment. Attachment is a pattern. A dance. A relationship that evolves and grows over time.

And here's something many parents find surprising (and comforting!):
You only need to be attuned to your child about 30% of the time to foster secure attachment.
Yes—30%. Not 100. Not even 80.

It's not about perfection, but about being attuned to your child.

Attachment at it's basic level is the emotional bond between a child and their caregiver. It forms the foundation for how a child experiences safety, trust, and relationships. The way we respond when our children reach out for help, comfort, or connection teaches them whether or not the world is a safe place that they can explore.

We’re not talking about Pinterest-worthy parenting moments. We’re talking about the everyday stuff:

• Do I respond when they cry?

• Do I validate their feelings?

• Can they trust that I’ll come back when I leave?

• Do they feel seen and safe—even when they’re melting down?

This is where secure attachment begins.

And the nice thing is, research shows that perfect parenting isn't what's needed.

According to researcher Edward Tronick, caregivers only need to be attuned to their child about 30% of the time to support secure attachment.

That means there’s room for being human.

Room for misattunement. Room for stress. Room for bad days.

And most importantly—room for repair.

When we miss a cue or respond in a way that doesn't feel great, we can come back and reconnect. That process of repair is incredibly powerful and actually builds trust in the relationship leading to a more secure attachment.

And none of this is written in stone.

We often talk about attachment styles like secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized as if they’re permanent. But attachment is fluid, especially in early childhood and in relationships that are still developing safety.

A child can be securely attached overall but still display anxious or avoidant behaviours in moments of stress or uncertainty. That doesn’t mean something is broken—it means they’re navigating a tough moment or a new situation.

Likewise, we as parents might sometimes slip into old patterns or react from our own experiences. That doesn’t make us bad parents. It makes us human.

Attachment isn’t a scorecard. It’s a living, breathing relationship.

So what can we aim for? We can aim to shift our patterns to be more into security instead of out of it to be able to support ourselves best. And that starts with awareness of the different patterns we may find ourselves in.

1. Secure Attachment
Caregivers are mostly attuned and responsive. Children feel safe to explore and return.

2. Anxious Attachment
Care is inconsistent. Children may cling, worry, or seek constant reassurance.

3. Avoidant Attachment
Care is often emotionally distant. Children may suppress needs or appear overly independent.

4. Disorganized Attachment
Care is chaotic or frightening. Children are confused about safety and may show conflicting behaviours.

Remember—these are not permanent labels. They are patterns that can shift, especially when new experiences of connection and safety are introduced.

So how can we shift our relationship with our kids more towards security?

Here’s what builds that 30% foundation of attunement:

• Show up emotionally. Just be with them, even if you don’t know what to say.

• Be consistent with routines and connection points.

• Repair after conflict. Say things like, “I got frustrated. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”

• Tend to your own regulation. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Attachment doesn’t require you to be perfect. It asks you to be present.

It asks you to try. To notice. To come back and try again.

If you’re meeting your child’s needs with love and attunement—even 30% of the time—you’re doing the work of secure attachment.

Keep going. You’re already enough.

Want more support on building connection with your child?
Check out The Connection Blueprint or listen to my full podcast episode on the Parenting Through Connection podcast wherever you get your podcasts.