The Three Types of Stress and Why They Matter

Stress is one of those words we hear constantly. We are told to reduce it, manage it, avoid it, or push through it. Especially as parents, stress can start to feel like proof that we are doing something wrong.

But stress itself is not the problem.

Stress is a nervous system response to demand, change, or challenge. It is part of being human. The real issue is not stress, but stress without enough support, recovery, or safety.

Regulation does not mean no stress. What it actually means is that when we feel stress, we still have capacity to navigate through it.

Understanding the different types of stress can help take so much shame out of the picture. There are three main types: positive stress, tolerable stress, and toxic stress.

Positive Stress

Positive stress is short-lived and manageable. It activates the nervous system briefly and then allows it to return to baseline.

Examples of positive stress might include:

• Trying something new

• Starting a new routine

• Giving a presentation

• A child learning a new skill

• Nervous excitement before a first day or big moment

This type of stress often includes excitement or anticipation. Most importantly, it happens in a context of safety. There is support, encouragement, or a sense of internal confidence.

Positive stress helps build resilience. It teaches the nervous system, “I can handle this.” Over time, it expands capacity and flexibility.

This is the kind of stress that supports growth.

Tolerable Stress

Tolerable stress is more intense and lasts longer. It can feel heavy and exhausting, especially in seasons of life that ask a lot from us.

Tolerable stress might include:

• A move

• Loss or grief

• Health challenges

• Financial strain

• Parenting through a difficult stage

• Major transitions

This type of stress still impacts the nervous system deeply. But what keeps it from becoming overwhelming is support.

Support can look like:

• Someone who listens without fixing

• Community

• Practical help

• Coaching or therapy

• Rest and moments of relief

• Feeling believed and not alone

Tolerable stress is only tolerable because of support. Not because someone is stronger, better, or more capable.

Many parents believe they should be able to carry everything on their own. When they cannot, they assume something is wrong with them.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Stress becomes manageable when support is present.

Toxic Stress

Toxic stress is intense, ongoing stress without adequate support or recovery.

This might look like:

• Chronic overwhelm

• Feeling constantly on edge

• Parenting without help on a long-term basis

• Never getting a break

• Living in survival mode

• Carrying too much responsibility alone

When stress stays activated for too long without relief, the nervous system does not get a chance to settle. Over time, this impacts emotional regulation, physical health, mental health, and relationships.

Small things feel big. Patience shortens. Connection becomes harder.

Toxic stress is often the result of doing too much with too little support for too long.

Many parents are living here, and it makes sense given the expectations placed on them.

What Makes the Difference

The difference between tolerable stress and toxic stress is not mindset, toughness, or pushing harder.

The difference is support.

Support helps the nervous system feel less alone. It creates moments of safety, regulation, and recovery, even when life is still stressful.

This is why being regulated does not mean feeling calm all the time. Regulation means having capacity. It means stress can move through the body without completely overwhelming it. It means recovery happens more easily.

Capacity grows through support, not pressure.

If your stress feels heavy, constant, or unmanageable, it does not mean you are failing. It does not mean you need to try harder or fix yourself.

It means your nervous system may need more support.

Stress is part of being human. Regulation is about how supported we are while moving through it.

You are allowed to need support. Starting where you are is enough and I can help. My mini program, Regulated Parent Reset, will help you understand your current stress and help you create an actual plan towards regulation unique to you. You can find out more information here.